Out of Hopelessness

By Sidse Powell

Bad things happened
Things I never imagined
My heart ached, tears fell
But I was not comforted.

It wasn’t fair – it isn’t still
My life grew dark
My soul wept and my eyes dried
I ached from a pain I didn’t deserve
I shut out fear
And pull on my rage
I hurt
It shouldn’t have happened
But it did.

I want to stop the pain
I want my life back
But I can’t hurt you enough
To make myself feel better

So, I shut out the world
Thought I could protect myself
But instead I lost myself
Lost my feelings
Lost my humanity
And I found real fear

It was quiet behind my walls
I was alone
My design!
Protected, secure, empty, numb

I am right to be angry, hurt, mad, closed
The pain swells
I blame you
And lose myself more

I am right
You’re wrong, bad, evil
But SO WHAT!
Being right doesn’t make it stop,
Doesn’t heal my heart,
Doesn’t lift me up
Doesn’t work
It doesn’t work

I want something that works
I want a way to live without my pain
I want to breathe without exploding
Smile without cringing
Close a door without slamming it
Let my feelings rise,
Reach my heart and empty themselves into my tears
Speak their truth without slamming a closed
Fist into my leg to shut them up
Shoving them down into my empty, cold and hollow cage

I want my heart to feel again
But I don’t know how
I want a new way
But I don’t know where to look
Desperate and alone
Numb and still in pain
I cry out for help
Because if I don’t
I’ll slit my wrist
In the warm steam of a hot bath
Up the vein
And sure I won’t die as fast as
I am afraid of

You listened
And a momentary flicker of hope
Bleeds into my darkness

I hear you
You talk to me through others
Who have the same pain wrapped
In a different story
Common feelings unite me to you
And I find out I’m not alone

I find myself laughing
And I don’t know how that happened
Just like I didn’t know
How to open, how to change
I didn’t have the key
And I thought the door was locked

But you whispered truths
And worked wonders
While I made coffee, talked about it,
And put pencil to paper

I forgave because you told me it was one of my keys
And it was more than I’m sorry
It was I see
I see me and I see you
Clearly
It brought me light
Which eroded and crumbled at the mortar
Of my self imposed prison
I climbed out
It was windy so I jumped back in
But I didn’t fit their either
I had wanted out
But I was afraid to leave
I was afraid to let go of the pain that
Only survives in the dark, damp
Echo of my loneliness

So, I ran to you
Joined others desperate to live a different way
We helped each other
No matter what age, what gender, what color
What religion, or even what we thought of each other
No matter what.

I listened, watched, followed
And tried things that didn’t make sense
I gave of my time and pain disappeared for a moment
I forgave myself and my heart relaxed
But when I forgave you I breathed in fresh air
That filled me with the laughter of a free soul

I still get hurt
I am human again and sensitive
I have my humanity back,
I have compassion and love for you and me,
And I keep it by holding out my
Hand and helping others desperate for
A way that works

I tell them I hurt
I had a similar pain
And I get to keep my heart open
And myself alive

And sometimes I think I’m crazy,
But that’s just me
And that’s okay
Because what if United We Stand
Divided We Fall
Applies to the Whole World now

I yearn for peace instead of spreading more pain
So I live with love
Because I want to evolve

We all have similar pain
And if we fight each other from the
Angry, Fear Infested, Liar’s Ball,
We will spread more pain
But it doesn’t work
It doesn’t make it better
We can’t hurt each other enough
To make our fears go away

So what the hell,
Why not let go of what doesn’t work
Because it’s possible that unconditional love exists
In mutual respect
The root of peace is fed by our hope for something better

You are not alone
Reach out your hand
And exit your self-imposed prison

Let hope steep into your
Righteous frustration and paralyzing fear
Let it warm you from the inside
As you offer your smile to a stranger
See them and you see yourself
They are you, you are them, we are one

And you’ll find yourself a miracle
Just like I did, because miracles always
Happen when hope and desperation reach each other.
I am you, you are me and we are all one.

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